The Blue Rug

It's a tattered old carpet. It lays in the hallway between three bedrooms. Since the day we first moved into the house – 23 years ago – it's been there. The rug was there through the birth of three more children. The rug was there when one moved out. It was there through chilly winter mornings and hot summer days. It was there to feel the patter of children's feet turn into the solid step of an adult. It was there during long midnight pow-wows in the hallway between siblings.

The blue rug was still here this year. Slowly, the bedrooms emptied out. Instead of five children living at home, there are two. One gets married. One moves several states away. Another one moves across the ocean.

Late-night hallways chats turn into hastily typed Facebook messages.

A home that once rang with boisterous laughter and mischievous plans turns quiet.

It still offers the same sense of security and comfort – but suddenly changed.

I am the youngest. While I haven't been here since the beginning, I have never known another kind of normal.

Yet here I am – cleaning out the bedroom of one of my best friends – my sister. Reminiscing of Christmas mornings and silly songs and tear-jerking discussions.

In a way, it feels morbid to see her room so empty. It's another reminder that I won't see her again for two years.

I go back to my room. It's my brother's old room. I remember sitting on the floor years ago and discussing life plans with him – who he would marry and what he would be. He's married now to the person he swore that night he wouldn't marry. I gained a sister, but they've moved away.

My mother steps into my room and quietly speaks the words we all knew were coming. “Can you help me pull up the rug?”.

It's a tattered old carpet. It's an awful faded, dark blue. It deserves nothing better than the garbage can, quite honestly.

But I step out onto that rug – that memorial of memories – and for an instant, children's laughter rings out once again. I can hear spontaneous prayer meetings and yes, even argumentative and unkind words. I hear, once again, the harmony of voices as we sang together. I see deep, raw emotion laid out between sisters as we share heartaches and trials.

It takes me a while to collect my thoughts. It takes a long talk between mother and daughter – sitting out on that old, blue carpet.

Memories may have been made on that blue rug, but they won't be thrown away with the rug.

Memories are made to be cherished.

I see a beautiful wood floor beneath the carpet – just waiting to be unveiled.

And perhaps this is the way it is with life. How can I hang onto something so ugly and tattered just because I am unwilling to let go?

Beneath that blue rug of past memories, there is a wood floor. And maybe, just maybe, that wood floor is waiting to be covered in new memories.

Maybe this wood floor will be there to hear the homecoming of a daughter across the sea. Maybe this floor will be here through weddings and grandchildren. Maybe a wood floor can become a symbol of change to me. Change is hard, but change is not bad.

And so maybe it's time to say goodbye to the old blue rug.

Tangible Joy

It's a crazy beautiful day. The sky outside the window is an azure blue, and I can hear the birds singing outside my window. The sun streams in through the window and warms the room.

And yet, I'm still grumbling.

I've been sick for a year now. Some days are really good. Other days, not so much. Over the last few weeks, I've defaulted to a completely horrible habit. Grumbling. Even if it's not verbally, it's usually something I'm saying in the back of my mind.

- I complain because I'm tired of being sick

- I complain because of yet another time when I can't do something that my friends are doing because it might damage my health.

- I complain because I spend so much time feeling purposeless.

- I complain because there's so much to get done, but so little energy to accomplish it.

- I complain because of unknowns.

 And yet -- the facts remain.

God is in control of the universe.

There are SO many people hurting SO much worse than me. 

Complaining doesn't change a single thing. 

Complaining doesn't change my circumstances. It changes me. It changes my conduct -- it changes my outlook on life.
Besides, wouldn't you agree that it's entirely narcissistic of my to spend my time focused only on ME? That's exactly what complaining does. When I complain, I am thinking of absolutely no one except myself.

In exchange for those 5 things I listed that I most often complain about, I can easily make a list of 5 things I can be thankful for:

 - I am thankful to have a heart that beats about 35 million times in a year -- and it's entirely voluntary! I don't have to THINK about making it beat.


- I am thankful for every single limb in my body that works correctly.

- I am thankful for the sun, which is positioned so perfectly to our planet that we neither burn up nor freeze.

- I am thankful for a merciful and just God who willingly came to earth to die for my sins.

- I am thankful for a child's voice and laughter.

- I am thankful for four walls and a roof over my head.

- I am thankful that God is in control and not me. Because let's face it -- I would screw it all up. :)
 
I have 7 things on that list because I kept going without realizing it. Looking back now at my reasons for complaining, they seem so silly and insignificant. It's funny how gratefulness does that -- it has the power to turn grumbling into ashes and transform blessings into tangible joy. 

I know life takes crazy, unexpected turns. There are days where I find myself sighing under weights of responsibility, pain, and exhaustion. It's in those moments that it's vitally important to stop. Just stop, take a look around, and remember the goodness of the Lord. Remember His blessings. Remember His love and patience.

"Sing praise to the Lord, you saints of His,
And give thanks at the remembrance of His holy name.
For His anger is but for a moment,
His favor is for life;
Weeping may endure for a night,
But joy comes in the morning." 
{Psalm 30:4-5}